If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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