So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
