I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
