she woke up with a sticky ear
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
