I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
