there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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