If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
