i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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