I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize