The maid of honor just puked.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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