Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize