if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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