i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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