I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
