They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
