and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
