btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
What a dumb baby whore.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
