Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
ugly people sure do ruin things
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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