There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
