What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
