If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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