Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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