i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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