you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
