Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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