last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
