I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
