just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
