Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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