Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just sucked dick on a ferry
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
