Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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