She is in my trunk
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
