Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
