2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
