The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
