Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
