I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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