If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
