So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
