I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
