If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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