I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
