mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
