I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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