I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
