I wish my penis had an off switch
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
