So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
