there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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