i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
