fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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