last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
