I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
