Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
