My liver just broke up with me...
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
